Someone asked me today when the last time I felt "pure joy" was and I had to sit there and think about it.
I HAD TO SIT THERE AND THINK ABOUT IT!!!!
The answer didn't come screaming at me like a bright shooting star in the dark nights sky.
The answer didn't present itself with a beautiful bow atop sparkly paper.
No.
The answer eluded me.
It fucking ELUDED me.
And I had to say that I wasn't sure. I wasn't sure when the last time that I felt pure joy was. I couldn't remember the last time when I felt truly happy, without other thoughts or fears muddying it all up. And it pissed me right off because there's no reason on God's green earth why I shouldn't be ridiculously happy every moment of every day. There's no reason at all for my inability to pinpoint the last time I felt joy....
...I am a good person, with a good heart, who runs a successful business, has a dope son, who is a great baseball player, and I have the cutest dog in the history of dogs. I love what I do. I mean, I really, really, love what I do. I love my car (don't laugh, my car is important to me lol). I am super blessed and I am super grateful.
But apparently those two things don't equal joy.
So what the hell is my problem?
Is it the lack of love in my life? The one thing that I always said I didn't need or want? Is the lack of true love robbing me of my joy? No, it can't be that. It can't be. I mean, I suppose it could be a part of it, but it can't be the whole thing. There has to be something else going on inside of me, but I can't seem to figure out WHAT it is exactly.
Listen, I'm not depressed or walking around all solemn, so please don't worry about me or take this blog post the wrong way. It was a just that a simple question was asked of me and it paved the way to something bigger in my mind.
And I want to fix it.
I do not want to be joy-less. I have no desire to live an unhappy life. That's not me at all.
I am all about the happy. I am all about finding your truth, following your heart and living a life that makes you truly fulfilled.
I want to live in JOY.
I want to find my JOY.
I always want to be truly happy.
So tell me... what brings you joy? Have you found it? Where did you find it? Or do you feel like yours is missing too? Maybe we can find our joy together. Opinions and suggestions welcome... unless you're going to call me crazy, cause tell me something I don't already know. lol :)
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This is simply my two cents on this.
ReplyDeleteI do not believe in a "pure joy" moment. Perhaps I'm being cynical and there are going to be others who believe I am batshit crazy. (And I am, I promise.) But I think there are moments that make a better "joyful moment." I feel like everything has a catch as well.
So like the other day I was watching our daily Snapchat with Austin. We were watching Cody's videos and he was smiling, giggling. Enjoying silliness about some "thirsty" women. And he had this blank stare in that moment. BAM. Like a ton of bricks, there was the pain he had seizures. 15 minutes I rocked him through his seizures (they are different than regular gran mals so he was in no danger for me rocking.) So a moment of joy turned into something else.
I think joy is made out of little moment and items that we can add up to make a better "joyful moment." For example, my husband allowing me to go to a girls weekend with two close friends. Which lead to me meeting a few amazing authors. I got to introduce one said friend, Ginger to new authors and abandoned them a few times for you and Jillian. But to me, that is one of the best moments.
Some may say that giving birth to their children gave them pure joy but for some with terrible births like me another time. Getting married was up there sure it was awesome but we had some tough ass moments. (We were only married 5 months before we had Austin and our world was turned upside down.)
So call me selfish but what I find joy in is my 60 inch TV that is curve we worked so hard for. Snapchat and enjoying stalking my favorites with Austin. Watching Justin (my oldest) putting movies on for Austin and getting into bed with him. My husband cooking me dinner for once while I'm training. Thinking about what things I am going to do my office. Plotting my first book out. Making an excel sheet for my book reviews. Getting praise at work for events I am coming up with that impressed them. Making people laugh.
LONG ASS rant but there you go Jenn.
I like this though. There are no right or wrong answers. It just shook me a little that I couldn't think of a moment where I'd felt true and pure JOY. At least not a moment that felt tangible in some way. I get what you're saying, but I also KNOW that something in me is missing- i FEEL it and I want to fix it. I am looking for my joy- it can be found in myself, of that i'm sure..... i just have to try to find it again. :)
ReplyDeleteI get this Jenn. I get you. I'm going through the same thing. Moved to Chicago last year, had my first solo apartment and thought I was going to figure life out. The job I took that moved me there was a disaster and I ended up resigning. I am now almost 23 and officially moved back in with my parents. It's so hard for me. I have an MBA and I'm very bright but finding the right job for me has been extremely difficult. The other night my mom asked me, "When is the last time you were truly happy?" Like you, I sat there and thought and then answered her truthfully. I can't remember. I'm like you. Something in me is missing and I desperate to fix it and find it. I'm thinking of just packing up my car and driving, taking a solo traveling trip. Like Jillian said, allowing myself to fully experience and immerse myself. Stop wallowing and start trying to find my joy. I have a friend in San Francisco I need to visit anyway! If I make my way from the Midwest to Cali we should go out for a drink and try to find our joy!
DeleteFor me, pure joy comes from living in the moment and allowing yourself to fully experience and immerse yourself. Our jobs are hard. It's hard to put the doubt and word counts away sometime, but if I'm working hard I have to be able to find the balance. The joy. Like watching an amazing sunset and seeing the incredible colors and feeling sort of small in the world. And seeing families and individuals lined up on the beach every single night just to watch such a simple thing. I know there is joy in your heart, maybe allow yourself to shut off your brain a little and see that there are so many small things in our life that bring us joy. I don't think not having a love in your life should affect your joy. I think it's important no matter your relationship status (because those can change) that you allow yourself to recognize happiness and joy in the things you do. 💜💜
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